"Take me down to the paradise city
Where grass is green and the girls are pretty
Oh won't you please take me home?"
- Guns N'Roses
Denial can catch you by surprise. Kiran told me it’s never really going to stop hurting. She reminded me of this again last night and me being me, paused and asked her, 'Really? Well that sucks'.
I am the queen of procrastination. No doubt.
Some believe this is a test, others say life is a bitch. Everyone has their own justification to why things go pear shaped. How many times will I be forced to leave home? Each time I build it up brick by brick, something whether you call it fate or destiny or i-don't-give-a-shit-what-you-label-it comes around and kicks me out on the curb. Only this time I did have the means to stay.
I sat all morning reading his email over and over and over. I came home and continued reading it over and over and over again. The pain hit before the realization of why. Suddenly a building came crashing down on me as I understood what this meant. I could have been home. He lied to me again. The irony being in, it ended because he didn't know when to stop lying. But this? He made me leave home. I'm here. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be there.
I want to scream and cry. But nothing happens. Nothing comes out. Nothing happens. I just feel something dies or maybe wilts. People move on and you're left standing alone wondering how am I going to catch up when moving on simply isn't your forté?
I am the queen of procrastination. No doubt.
Some believe this is a test, others say life is a bitch. Everyone has their own justification to why things go pear shaped. How many times will I be forced to leave home? Each time I build it up brick by brick, something whether you call it fate or destiny or i-don't-give-a-shit-what-you-label-it comes around and kicks me out on the curb. Only this time I did have the means to stay.
I sat all morning reading his email over and over and over. I came home and continued reading it over and over and over again. The pain hit before the realization of why. Suddenly a building came crashing down on me as I understood what this meant. I could have been home. He lied to me again. The irony being in, it ended because he didn't know when to stop lying. But this? He made me leave home. I'm here. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be there.
I want to scream and cry. But nothing happens. Nothing comes out. Nothing happens. I just feel something dies or maybe wilts. People move on and you're left standing alone wondering how am I going to catch up when moving on simply isn't your forté?
You're a good writer. My advice is to keep writing about it. It gets easier, and writing will help.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I worry that I constantly vent but I still feel the weight crushing me under. Writing does indeed relieve that pressure if not free me.
ReplyDeleteToday is a blank canvas. Today is something I can mold into a masterpiece. Nothing has been defined, and everything is a possibility. I can draw the line and step outside of it. I can learn something new or settle for something old. Today has so many possibilities. Today is if I will write I will myself discover paths which I too have never thought and never seen.
ReplyDeleteEveryday I scribble a reminder "I will not place my happiness in things outside of myself; people move on and cities burn."
Wise words, my lady.
ReplyDeletewhat goes around comes around...and beleive u me it is the start...!
ReplyDelete