Sanctuary

It’s a harsh reality when you become all too aware of how cynical and jaded you have become. I generally prefer responding to such realizations with denial. However, recently I came face to face with a version of myself before the tragedies and winter tears.

She was 22. An angelic entity with so much to see and learn. Her young spirit strong and convicted. Her enthusiasm felt contagious. She seemed grateful for the opportunity. I saw myself in her. Her aura of innocence made her glow. I stood there listening to her and it was painful how much I saw myself in her. In my heart I said a silent prayer, 'Please let her not see what I did, let her not suffer like I did'.

Today as I took a moment to wonder why my heart felt like it had been hit by a demolition ball. I thought of how I missed being that carefree. I missed not knowing the concept of heartbreak. This morning over breakfast, I looked outside my window and remembered my little apartment back in London. I would sit on the floor over my large uncomfortable cushion, savouring the scent of incense. Contemplating about broken glass, which just like our spirit can never be fixed.

Some days feel like a breath of new life. I smile without thinking. I get a nervous pang in my gut and laugh about absolutely nothing. Then there are the 'don't-look-at-me-or-I'll-cry' days. When the past will creep its filthy claws in my eyes and I am forced to observe every last detail of the damage done. Today I wore a ring. It wasn't 'the' ring. It was just a ring. The entire day I felt suffocated looking at it, feeling the cold metal against skin, rubbing my finger tips over the bevelled and embossed edges. The stones felt alive and I felt like my life was being stripped one follicle at a time. I still have the indentation from 5 years of never taking 'the' ring off. A stark reminder of a past, I'd rather much forget.

Omar worries but I asked him I can't not date forever, can I now? Even though most of me wants to run away from the very idea, a small part of me wants to be reminded what it felt like. I made a choice to keep the past under a veil. If asked I will not lie but I'd rather discuss the dry cleaner's taxes instead. Maybe I'm not over it yet. Maybe I'm just falling into old traps. Maybe I need a saviour. Maybe I'm digging a grave for myself. Maybe I miss the way it felt. Maybe I'm indulging in pain.

Like the rest of us I too have a little sanctuary where I hide. Between worlds and hollow walls, I sit quietly and ponder on the intricacies of stardust hearts and melancholy of a past life. Lately this little sanctuary has grown but the space feels anything but empty. The problem lies in when I manage to lock myself out, with the recession, locksmith are just as expensive within the world in my head.

I am

Every now and then the most unexpected of things can change you the way you feel. Today I was going through some old messages and discovered one from a past 'escapade', someone who was a part of my life during a brief lapse of judgment. I'm not sure why I grew to resent him but his message reminded me why I liked him initially. It was sweet and genuine. Frankly, it is rare to feel that reading a few words. Unfortunately my response sounded like any normal man's worst nightmare, highly clingy.

After every phase in our life, whether it be fate or self induced, we feel the need to do some soul searching. We question our decisions and our very way of life. I realized something disturbing. I no longer know what I want. I no longer understand myself. I contradict myself so much that I'm almost having an identity crisis.

Someone I recently got to know said I knew too much. I'm not sure I understood what that meant but I didn't feel the need to ask for an explanation. I generally feel ignorant so I kind of felt reassured, I'm not so stupid. Each time I move I feel like this is an excuse to start over. Be a new person. Play with personalities and identities. But at the end of the day you can only play a role for so long. The thing about growing up is you aren't scared of that person in the mirror anymore. I think that means you learn to live with yourself and everything that comes with it. I no longer look in the mirror and feel terrified or ugly. I suppose this also means the deepest of cuts can heal leaving embellished little scars. It’s like your soul is a brail map for your blind inner self, leaving a long detailed tale of history.

Today I accept it is beautiful.

Today I am many things. Few good. Some bad. Many questionable.

I am the girl who listens to that sappy song over and over and over and over till it sounds like nails on a chalkboard.

I am the girl who contradicts herself so much she forgets who she is.

I am the girl who drives herself crazy. (image how the rest of the world feels)

I am the girl intimidated by her own shadow but I'll fight you any day.

I am the girl who starts running for no reason and laughs with tears.

I am the girl who takes pictures of herself when she is happy, just so I can remember when I forget.

I am the girl who trips on stage in front of a crowd.

I am the girl who told you so.

I am the girl who worries her neighbours when she sings.

I am the girl who is old fashioned and you would never guess.

I am the girl who will dance with you in the middle of nowhere because it is my favorite song.

I am the girl who has butterflies for no reason.

Chocolate Cake for the lazy

The best things in life you simply stumble upon.

I came across this recipe on some random site through stumble and the title alone provoked me to cook. Well I wouldn't really call this cooking but for someone like me who can burn water, this is in fact cooking.

Chocolate cake in a mug

Things that you may or may not need

- 4 tbsp Flour
- 4 tbsp Sugar
- 3 tbsp Cocoa
- 1 Egg
- 4 tbsp Milk
- 3 tbsp Oil
- A splash of vanilla extract
- A coffee mug
- A half decent microwave


What do you with the things you may or may not need

- Mix all the dry ingredients together

- Mix in the egg
- Add milk and oil and mix
- Add vanilla extract and mix
- Pour mixture in mug.
- Put mug in microwave.
- Cook on high for 3 minutes.
- Remove from microwave.
- Take a decent portion with spoon.
- Put in mouth.
- Savour, chew, swallow.

Tips:

- Try adding caramel to it for a wonderfully gooey texture.
- When putting mug in microwave, put it on a small plate to avoid any spillages.
- This goes perfect with ice cream.

Its always going to be something

Really it is. Whether its the job you hate or your love life sucking or your neighbours dog. There will always be something that is going to supposedly stop you from finding bliss. If only I could find a better job, if only Mr. Right would put the seat down, if only it was legal to shoot the rodent and so on.

I can't complain today. I had a wonderful time. Everything from sitting at the back of the truck in the rain to watch the fireworks, to sitting in a friend's girl friends house watching the boys burn the meat on the BBQ, it was simple and perfect.

I think I talk too much. Sometimes I forget to shut up. Till there's that silence when I start to wonder, 'Oh.. I guess I need to catch my breath'. It's a wonder someone didn't shake me, gag me and throw me in the closet. Still, it was a laugh.

This is the first day I didn't think of anything but the moment. I felt free from myself.

I feel motivated. I feel empowered. I feel blissful!