I am

Every now and then the most unexpected of things can change you the way you feel. Today I was going through some old messages and discovered one from a past 'escapade', someone who was a part of my life during a brief lapse of judgment. I'm not sure why I grew to resent him but his message reminded me why I liked him initially. It was sweet and genuine. Frankly, it is rare to feel that reading a few words. Unfortunately my response sounded like any normal man's worst nightmare, highly clingy.

After every phase in our life, whether it be fate or self induced, we feel the need to do some soul searching. We question our decisions and our very way of life. I realized something disturbing. I no longer know what I want. I no longer understand myself. I contradict myself so much that I'm almost having an identity crisis.

Someone I recently got to know said I knew too much. I'm not sure I understood what that meant but I didn't feel the need to ask for an explanation. I generally feel ignorant so I kind of felt reassured, I'm not so stupid. Each time I move I feel like this is an excuse to start over. Be a new person. Play with personalities and identities. But at the end of the day you can only play a role for so long. The thing about growing up is you aren't scared of that person in the mirror anymore. I think that means you learn to live with yourself and everything that comes with it. I no longer look in the mirror and feel terrified or ugly. I suppose this also means the deepest of cuts can heal leaving embellished little scars. It’s like your soul is a brail map for your blind inner self, leaving a long detailed tale of history.

Today I accept it is beautiful.

Today I am many things. Few good. Some bad. Many questionable.

I am the girl who listens to that sappy song over and over and over and over till it sounds like nails on a chalkboard.

I am the girl who contradicts herself so much she forgets who she is.

I am the girl who drives herself crazy. (image how the rest of the world feels)

I am the girl intimidated by her own shadow but I'll fight you any day.

I am the girl who starts running for no reason and laughs with tears.

I am the girl who takes pictures of herself when she is happy, just so I can remember when I forget.

I am the girl who trips on stage in front of a crowd.

I am the girl who told you so.

I am the girl who worries her neighbours when she sings.

I am the girl who is old fashioned and you would never guess.

I am the girl who will dance with you in the middle of nowhere because it is my favorite song.

I am the girl who has butterflies for no reason.