I wish my heart was cool,
But I’m still mourning you
I wish my light was golden blue..
As it was.. with you.
I smell the coffee on your breath,
Your lips sore
I can taste her cheap lipstick
Her cigarettes, her gum of death.
Voices inside my head
Sing a familiar tune.
Sitting on a leaf, I drift ahead
The wind now static, I can't follow you.
I can't hear you sing to me.
I know I'm not the only one,
Who believes in your starry eyed dream.
I know now, we were never meant to hold on.
But I’m still mourning you
I wish my light was golden blue..
As it was.. with you.
I smell the coffee on your breath,
Your lips sore
I can taste her cheap lipstick
Her cigarettes, her gum of death.
Voices inside my head
Sing a familiar tune.
Sitting on a leaf, I drift ahead
The wind now static, I can't follow you.
I can't hear you sing to me.
I know I'm not the only one,
Who believes in your starry eyed dream.
I know now, we were never meant to hold on.
(Please note I am more than aware I'm not a songwriter or a poet)
_______
There are far too many things in life I can't analyze or categorize. Time for instance baffles me. As a little girl, I distinctly remember resenting time for not moving faster. You waited impatiently for school to end. You anticipated the joy of finishing your homework just so you could play undisturbed for a few hours (knowing you’re still going to get a lecture on how you should rather be studying). You waited even more impatiently for summer holidays (which you spent doing illegal amounts of school work). Nothing seemed to come to you when you most wanted it. When you did eventually reach the point you so desperately awaited, you relished every last millisecond of it. It felt as if time came to a screeching halt and you could seize every moment. Now the son-of-a-gun flies like the universe would crumble if it didn't. I can feel it slipping through my fingers as we speak and now I'm nearly 24 with not much to show for it. Oh irony! Thy a cruel mistress.
My brother appeared to have gone nuts and came home yesterday with a truck load of groceries. This morning as I walked in the kitchen, I could smell fresh produce. I stood there motionless for a minute, eyes closed and remembered mom in the kitchen. It always smelt of fresh produce and spices. I could smell her distinct scent and I remember pestering her with pointless questions. In my head I hug her. It makes my heart melt and I feel warm inside. Time. Now it feels like I didn't have enough of it. I miss her. I don't care what she did or how she was, she is still my mother. I can feel in her voice the love and passion. I can sense the sadness. I know she wants to see me. I know she wants to see all three of us. Its times like these I wish I hadn't wasted my life and time. I wish I had gotten over the issues and made something of myself. So instead of her wishing and waiting, I could be taking care of her. It's times like these I know I've failed.
The divorce papers came through in the post on Friday and I couldn’t deal with it. I’ve been through this before. I’ve signed the dotted line before and spent a week moping it before. Yet it didn’t stop it from hurting when I got home and saw the envelope and his handwriting with the Royal mail stamp on it. I carefully opened the envelope, placed the papers and the envelope gently on the floor and it’s been there since. Yes I know ignoring the issue is never the solution but I really, really, REALLY like ignoring the issue. So now I have today to review, date and sign them and go to the post office first thing tomorrow and post them. Except I like it sitting on the floor, slowly getting covered in dust, cat fur and other paraphernalia I don’t care for. It’s nicer covered and ignored. To make matters worse, because of this tiny incident I shut out everyone I know and disconnected myself (literally) from the world of support. I needed time to recover. Most of all I needed to be distracted. Today as I discussed with mum about my life, I realized all I needed to do was to call her when things started to appear distorted in the first place. As I hung up, I felt lighter (though it could have something to do with being on the phone for over 3.5 hours).
Overall it feels like a phase, one that I must go through in order to accept change. It’s not simple or easy or even convenient for that matter, but it’s a phase. Apparently, life likes teaching people like me ‘lessons’. I don’t know who this life person is, but one day when we finally confront each other, I’m going to be armed with more ammo than you can throw at Osama in a confined space.
My brother appeared to have gone nuts and came home yesterday with a truck load of groceries. This morning as I walked in the kitchen, I could smell fresh produce. I stood there motionless for a minute, eyes closed and remembered mom in the kitchen. It always smelt of fresh produce and spices. I could smell her distinct scent and I remember pestering her with pointless questions. In my head I hug her. It makes my heart melt and I feel warm inside. Time. Now it feels like I didn't have enough of it. I miss her. I don't care what she did or how she was, she is still my mother. I can feel in her voice the love and passion. I can sense the sadness. I know she wants to see me. I know she wants to see all three of us. Its times like these I wish I hadn't wasted my life and time. I wish I had gotten over the issues and made something of myself. So instead of her wishing and waiting, I could be taking care of her. It's times like these I know I've failed.
The divorce papers came through in the post on Friday and I couldn’t deal with it. I’ve been through this before. I’ve signed the dotted line before and spent a week moping it before. Yet it didn’t stop it from hurting when I got home and saw the envelope and his handwriting with the Royal mail stamp on it. I carefully opened the envelope, placed the papers and the envelope gently on the floor and it’s been there since. Yes I know ignoring the issue is never the solution but I really, really, REALLY like ignoring the issue. So now I have today to review, date and sign them and go to the post office first thing tomorrow and post them. Except I like it sitting on the floor, slowly getting covered in dust, cat fur and other paraphernalia I don’t care for. It’s nicer covered and ignored. To make matters worse, because of this tiny incident I shut out everyone I know and disconnected myself (literally) from the world of support. I needed time to recover. Most of all I needed to be distracted. Today as I discussed with mum about my life, I realized all I needed to do was to call her when things started to appear distorted in the first place. As I hung up, I felt lighter (though it could have something to do with being on the phone for over 3.5 hours).
Overall it feels like a phase, one that I must go through in order to accept change. It’s not simple or easy or even convenient for that matter, but it’s a phase. Apparently, life likes teaching people like me ‘lessons’. I don’t know who this life person is, but one day when we finally confront each other, I’m going to be armed with more ammo than you can throw at Osama in a confined space.
Sometimes I resist
Sometimes I shoot people down
Some days I loathe
Some days I let myself let go..
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